Iron Man 2 poo poo?

HERE’S the thing

about Iron Man 2.

It’s got everything

you want from an

Iron Man movie.

Great banter.

Top performances.

Stunning effects.

Problem is, that bit’s

about three minutes long,

and comes at the end of

a stupefyingly dull two hours

of everything you DON’T

want from an Iron Man movie.

I’ll have a more fulsome

filleting of Iron Man 2

in Sunday’s paper and

on the website,

but for the time being,

here’s an early review…

so you can’t say

you weren’t warned.

.

.

The film kicks off with

an embarassingly

standard villain set-up.

Mickey Rourke‘s dad

helped Iron Man‘s dad

build some kind of

prototype reactor.

Mickey Rourke‘s dad

never got any credit.

Mickey Rourke‘s dad dies.

Mickey Rourke swears

revenge on Iron Man.

End of character.

The action then

cuts to Tony Stark

(Robert Downey Jr)

jumping out of a plane,

in full Iron Man gear,

to show off to the crowds at

his technology convention.

In the trailers,

this sequence involved

him kissing his right-hand

woman Pepper Potts

(Gwyneth Paltrow)

and jokily telling her,

“You complete me.”

That’s now gone –

limiting the chemistry

between Downey and Gwyn

to one out-of-nowhere kiss

just before the end credits.

.

.

Maybe there was a proper

romance subplot that was

taken out.

Maybe it’s just bad writing.

Either way,

it doesn’t work.

We then get a drawn-out

tribunal scene that takes

15 minutes to sum up one

basic plot point –

the US military want

control of the Iron Man suit.

This also introduces Tony‘s

army pal Col Rhodes

(Don Cheadle), and his arch

business rival Justin Hammer

(Sam Rockwell).

You’ve heard of actors

chewing the scenery?

Rockwell‘s gnawing through

it like the Tasmanian Devil

got bulimia.

It’s so over the top I don’t

even know whether it’s

good or bad.

It’s certainly stupid.

Vanko shows up in

Monte Carlo and,

in one of the film’s two

proper action scenes,

he blows up Tony Stark‘s

Formula One car.

Hammer realises he can

use Vanko to build an

army of super-robots,

so kidnaps him and

puts him to work.

Meanwhile,

Gwyn hires a new legal

whizz (Scarlett Johansson)

who turns out to be a spy,

code named The Black Widow.

.

.

As an elite member of

secret organisation SHIELD,

it’s her mission to…

do almost nothing

for the entire movie.

The film slumps into

the doldrums early on,

and truth is,

it never recovers.

For a film so heavy

on characters,

it’s shamefully

light on plot.

.

.

In a genius move,

the storyline has Downey

sitting around his house,

looking bored, for the entire

second act of the movie.

There’s even a bit where

he gets drunk and dances

around in the Iron Man suit.

THIS IS EVEN WORSE

THAN IT SOUNDS.

Eventually he gets

off his backside and,

for reasons I won’t

go into here,

invents a new element.